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Life to Love
Hey boys and girls, how are u this evening? Its about 12:24 AM here on June 4th of 2005 and events that happened over these several years that inspired me to begin to lay my thoughts out on the paper figuratively speaking but bear with me. it will be hard to tolerate this writing and how it is organized and I will be jumping back and forth without any grammar like now ;), sooo good luck and thank you if u are willing to put your time and brains into this story.
Short introduction always follows a sad story so here is the crap. Four years ago coming to this country I was confused, dazed and sort of feeling “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS”. New house, new life, new everything. They basically said “Here Dima, your new school, your new place, live.” Sounds simple and clean, like nothing happened, I had no clue what so ever where I went. Coming to school was a shock also. I wasn’t sociable, couldn’t talk, barely spoke English or understood it, had some sill but not enough to keep my ass floating on top so to speak. A tall white guy with messy hair, glasses, and school uniform all the time? I was just another white dot I found friends in several corners of Mulholand middle school. First year is hell. I know maximum 10 people it is just terrible. I am the biggest nerd in town from a town no one has even heard about. Ukraine? Kiev? Its Russia to everyone else. Soviet Union, Communism, USSR. Learn your history people, and besides a glance at the map wouldn’t hurt either. Great story as a family of 4 people first time riding together around the balboa park, while we see a festival, so we look at this huge inflatable beer and figure to spend a lil quality time together at the festival, we walk in and everything seems great, a lil hungry so we get some food and find a spot on the tables, 10 minutes after, I look around and I see two woman kissing, “oooh yeah” I though to myself, but as I turned around I saw two man dancing, O.o, hold the music, I look at an art shop and I see naked art of gay and lesbian community, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I tell to the family, “hey guys, I have doughts of this festival is a beer festival” well go figure it’s a yearly gay and lesbian appreciation festival, and everyone is doing they own thing O.O while they stare at a family of four sitting in the middle of the thing eating, sooo we got up and got out of that place, yeah that was a lot of laughs. Past a year ive learned English, speak better, comprehend the language better, everything was going smooth. Getting used to food, my new places seems all the same now, used to environment, parents at a job, fewer problems, more of relaxation. I came here, I wasn’t a total dumb ass, I knew my way around and got used to everything pretty fast. Seems like everything is shaping upwards for this fella :o)
Updating my closet, getting my hair done, getting new eye wear, friends up, playing sports, flirting with girls, expand my vocabulary to sweet talk. The second stage to getting anywhere. Grade Eight, u know people u need to know, “Hey Dimitry, Stay up” looking back with a smile, walking away trying to remember who the hell is that? So blurry life has been. Playing bball after school with some big fools. Hanging out with everyone at lunch and all that jazz. Football, bball, soccer, tennis what not, bin there done that so all is left to wait until high school.
High school hehehe, I Am a part of a great community of high tech high la. What made me go? The age of technological advances, Information H, computer fascinate me, becoming a computer genius captivated me, as I wasn’t a total retard in computer science, but sure as hell a lazy chap. Wasting time, wasting my life on television and chatting while, school was passing by my side. Copy skills, talking to students, I focused on life beyond knowledge that has ruined the whole concept of life. Popularity has gotten to me. Sportsmanship, mingling with the peeps, random parties, drinking, flirting, who the hell am I to decide what people should say or do? It wasn’t my problem until I made it my problem, WOW first mistake eh. I Fucking Care . Jesus what a drag. Ive grown a conscience. Bigger then ever. Don’t get me wrong, ive always been a nice, quiet guy, My fuse is bigger then Operas Check-Zero Count O.o. So I care a lil more, that don’t hurt no one. No one is gonna give shit to the quiet white guy in the back of the class, but of course I have to be shown off, its my nature, I have to be in the middle of things, I need to mingle with the people :D. Got a huge ego to follow which grows higher and higher. Seems like its gong cool. Mr. Nice Guy, Relationship Advice Guy, hahaha yeah right. Well I swim, get my grades by the first year of high school, I think its all smooth sailing, and it is, getting my A’s and feeling all cool, small community indeed. You are well known with the right people. So continuing the first year to get to know my true friends going up till the end. Mah two Homies form Mulholand still with me and my dumbass never got interested in their lives O.o yeah I think I’m a dick too but that’s later on in the story. DUDES and DUDETES its almost the end of school and summer is feeling HAWT, I feel like this year ive met people that I’m gonna chill out for the rest of high school and it is pretty tyte. I feel frogy, I’m about to leap ^_^
Summer was great, just like every other summer where I sit on my ass playing games, going to parties and do absolutely NOTHING! Eating a lot, by the way, I don’t get fat, just tall hehe, so everyone says that I will get obese when I grown and start drinking beer, well too late already do and not getting fat, just strong and lazyhehe, *BURP*. Of course helping my dad with work, watching tv, computer, lots of reading to pack my head with useful information on anything I could find, java, html, codes, maybe a lil illegal actions but who doesn’t have negative traits? Besides never harmed anybody, just looking around, snoop on them as they snoop on us. What else? Bike rides around the part. Bro, friend, and me going to a park or ride around burn some fat so to speak, getting into the garage we find three bikes, a 17 speed, a 12 speed, and a girls pink bike with a horn, hmmmm? Who gets what? Yeah well bingo, Dima has to drag his ass after two bikes on his scooty puff junior, well after 2 laps around the park my lazy ass got tired, so its smooth sailing while I just ride around, staring back at people who stare at me, yeah that was fun, I was in such pain on that day it was ridiculous, but u know, u have to keep yourself in shape, even if its on a pink bike. Yeah good times.
School is in , my last year to tell, we back to the glass prison to learn. Life moves on like always, Days go by as they seem slow. Life seems much shorter when u aren’t having fun, but for it to move by faster u need to learn have a laugh and make fun of yourself ones in a while. That always keeps me up. Getting accustomed to your friends. Not anymore you have friends, they are all your best friends. So you go to school, do your hw, chill at the movies on weekends, party ones in a while, go to family gatherings, sports, girls, one nighters, computers all the same, life is pretty boring till u get a twist, a hit the your face........………………change.………………………………………………………. u see love, u are in love, life don’t matter, it seems like nothing matters, u don’t look at girls, u don’t taste food, u wait longest hours for her, u think about her 24/7, u skip hw, skip projects, skip your life to talk to her, but the thing is, u can only talk to her, she is not here, not with u, u are in pain, but being with her, hearing her say “I love you” is everything to me, u get to a point where u say “I love you and always will, nothing will take u away from me” and everything is perfect!!!! Its going better then ever, u plan on seeing her after high school, fantasy was to see her and to be with her there, we say “we gotta go get u”, we gotta be together, how can we not be together? Life is not fair, thought I would change her life, it seemed so deep! It was, it was true, the only sooo hopelessly sweet, I was happy, happier then ever, like everything else was so irrelevant, I could get up of my chair and walk there if I had the chance. I never felt for anyone this deep. Hmmmmmm what happened, I love her, but where is she? One week, I know she will be back, I know she won’t leave me, 3 weeks, I still wait, its ok, she might have left for a tip, too much school work, its ok, ½ months, all hope lost, she is never here, y not, what did I do, what did I say, I am down, never here, soooo sad, its dead to me, I feel rotten, I keep on flirting, trying to forget, the more I get the more I forget, I can be that one guy, I can get around everyone, I can be lost in everything, get my life back, I need to forget, I get my life back on the track, haha lol it seems silly to me now, I thought I lost her, I put her in a box, next to every box inside me, lock it, chain it, loose it in the pile of crap on top of crap, forget it, I went with girls, party till like there is no 2morrow, do crazy stuff, act da fool, I didn’t care, just to forget it all, 2 months, fuck this, why am I such a dick, ive been in and out most of the houses in da valley, I don’t want this, I want something more, I don’t need to be like this……………………………….change………………………………………….……....i am calm
I became calm as I have ever been, cleaned up my rep, all the boxes filled with crap, I began to stack them, it calmed me down, heart is not beating fast, slowly, moving steady all the time, u would rather chill out, be still, enjoy the time, shit everything is going tyte, I don’t see anything anymore, love is something I don’t want, just want to spend time learning, an I have for a while all the time, just as time went by I just went to school as always, I am nice, sweet, hehe and all that jazz, I have never got mad, never showed when I’m sad, looks like everything made me glad, my ass didn’t get to what happened back, looks like ive never be the same and I felt ying yang,
I forgot………………………………………….change……………………………………………am I blind?? Or stupid? Probably just an idiot, how can I be with someone if I see that they like someone else, well then i have to be honest, I will be, I am, she deserves it, HIT! Slap across the face, kind of getting hit by a ball in the face, heart broken again, but glad, knowing that it is out of the way, now closer then ever, seems like everything is back to normal so to speak, it was a crush hehehehe, who would have known this boy can have crushes? Well one and only ended quick, back to being calm, and back to work, school, life, home, blah everything is same again, normal………………………change………talking chatting seems interesting, meeting new ppl, how awesome, all cool and new, I am burrowed inside the chat rooms, mingling with new peeps, meeting a lot of girls, mr. nice guy, relationship advice guy, hehehe
“u’r so nice, so sweet, sooo great”
“seems to me u’r perfect”
“I’m falling for u”,
“how can u not see that I like u”
“<3”
“do u like me as much as I like u???”
Do I?
Feeling like lots of attention, trip and fall for me, too nice to say no, don’t want to hurt them, don’t want to let go, but they keep on holding on and I do too
“u will meet someone perfect that loves u no matter what”
“I am nice and all but we all have a dark side behind us”
What if u don’t
“I am not that great”
O.o………
What would u say when u can’t return feelings for someone who shows them back? I know …………….
………………………………………………………………………………….change……………………………boredom
Still sitting on da net chatting cuz nothing to do, so bored, bored out of my skull, gotta find something to do, to get out of this spot, lol well do what I always do, hang with friends, tv, pc, party, school and get on with my boring little life, ……………………………..change……………………………………………………….oh yes hehe
Well after a while of playing around I found someone, who loves me just as I love her back, hehe whoo hoo! Its all together, we’re together, waiting for school to be over, hehehe going anywhere we want as long as we are together, pretty awesome, life is good soo to speak, and I still chat and still people like me but it doesn’t matter anymore hehehe I am free to be who I wanna be sooo cool like I’m back on track, life is tyte only if I had better grades :D ……………………………………change…………………………….finding out more things
When crushed, never assume of what she says is true, she gives u signs, and u might be to blind, so go for it and ask when u see the chance, u could make your both lives better….. in which case I suggest u do it quick cuz u might never know what uve lost till u lost it, and missing it already rubbing my head again, looking as if I didn’t have more of something to cry inside about, this is sort of a burn to, well I have a collection of scars and burns so y don’t I have another one, that’s better, not a free space in sight just cuts and burns
I’m glad we cool now, its all cool hehe don’t worry its all ok here, just as long as u are happy and I will be too, happy for u
………………………………………..…………….Change of life?..................WHAT THE FUCK
The pain is back, what is this? Its been 3 months the box has opened? Shit no, its not right, ITS NOT FAIR! How can it be! Now? How can this be, I’m asleep? i wish I was dead, scared, sad, mad! Of all the ppl in the world I’m mad at me……………again it can’t be, not now, I don’t see anything in front of me, how can this get any worse? My life is back to shit, the only glance of bright light is her, but what is the darkness? What can be so bad with me inside that it’s taking away all of this crap?
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Me
U meet a person, and everything goes to the best, u are in love and u want to see her so bad, u wake up thinking about her and go to sleep thinking about her, well life is not as pleasant as it seems, it wont let u have a breather, while good things go by, something wrong always happens, u wait and wait and make a promise that no matter what u will love her for ever, and one day meet her, u dream about hugging her and looking into her eyes as u say that u love her no matter what, and then it hits u, emptiness, loneliness, one love uve cherished, left without good bye, but as u think that goodbye means never see u again, but as nothing was said, fools put themselves in front of others, and make decisions, there are things that push the decision towards the wrong direction, and that happens to most, just like me, no one realizes that the decision uve made is partially the one u will regret your whole life, and u don’t understand or see what uve lost until u really lost it, and there is no excuse to that, u knew it would happened, u saw what u wanted and still acted like an idiot, lost your love, life, mind, and sense of trust, u feel like crap, u see her say, “I didn’t expect u to still love me”, and u say ur sorry for what uve done, and she replies “I wish I could believe u” which at that moment u get stabbed in the heart, and all seems lost, u feel lower then dirt, and the next day u go with your life, u don’t care about yourself, u keep on thinking about her, about what uve had and lost, about what she said the last time uve spoke, and u can’t help but cry inside, u see black and white, nothing is good and nothing is bad, food doesn’t taste itself, life doesn’t feel alive, and u feel like death itself is knocking on your door, but u kno u wont do anything and move on with your little so truly insignificant life, thinking what would happened if it I wouldn’t be such a moron, and grades don’t matter, your inelegance is not important, your common sense couldn’t back you up , and what uve been giving advise on, seems lost and dark, and u still can’t see, and if u stop your whining moaning and bitching, sit down and learn if u pay attention form other peoples mistakes, life, laws, girls, don’t mean a think, u can’t be good all the time, but u need to learn to be honest, at which case it is hard, how the fuck do u see it in front of u and don’t feel that u are doing the wrong thing, well shit u would blame your life too If it would happened to u
Veronica I’m Truly Sorry
I hope u find someone u deserve <3
I’ll Always remember what we’ve had
Her
You cant honestly tell me you love me...when youre busy with someone else...I'm sorry, but it doesnt work that way...never has
I know you're sorry. That part, i get. That makes sense. You're too sweet NOT to be sorry. But sorry didnt give us what we had, sorry took it away. I mean, when we started talking last night, i thought there might have been a chance, but when I figured out that someone you dont even love, was more important than me...idk, it pissed me off. I got online thinking that maybe if i went and visited you this month that everything would be cool but when you mentioned...her, whoever the fuck she is, i figured it woudlnt make a difference.
I know i fucked up when I couldnt use my computer...i got so fuckin wasted, got myself in so much trouble, got grounded and got a notice from the cops about "disturbing the peace" so i was on lock-down. and i know it fucked up alot...i know...and im so fuckin sorry for that...it was stupid of me...
I hope you and your girlfriend are happy, or at least that you find someone who makes you happy. That'd be awesome for you. And considering you think I hate you or sometihng, that could sound like a lie, but i assure you, it isnt. I love you, I always will. You're awesome and always have been. You have true potential to be someone totally awesome and an important asset to our world. I hope someone else finds this potential in you and gives you the chance to use it.
You deserve the best and I'm sorry I wasn't it.
I guess I'm just lucky I didn't come over there and surprise you...I would have been the one surprised...
Me
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A FUCKING MORON, y the hell didn't i wait, i lost hope, thought u would never come back, and u did come back, and i betrayed u like that for someone else, FUCK, y couldn't u say goodbye, i will come back, i will always come back, i read the stuff Shwon, Shtoo, Shree und half and u were talking about i left so many comments and messeges, u never returned them, u never came back, i couldn't wait, y couldn't i be an asshole and didn't give off to anyone, because i am stupid, u were to come here and visit me? that just fucken tore up my heart, i wanted to see u so bad, and i still do, and now that i have a gf, and i think i did became atracket to her more then i should have, I LOST the most emportant thing at that time to me, i lost u, i should fucken cut myself for taht, what happened, god what the fuck have i done, it is all my fault, and now i wont come to myself with senses and fix it, FUCK ITS NOT RIGHT, ITS NOT FAIR!!!! :'( i'm sorry doesn't cut it
Her
i just wanted to see you soooo bad...and i knew that not being online would probably make you hate me...the only thing i could think of to do was come see you...and i was gonna leave and everything...i got like...almost $1000...not sure what im gonna use it on now, but yeah...i dunno....i couldnt stop thinking about you...once again my loyalty fucks me over....i cut my hair...cut my wrist...cut up alot of my poems...i dunno...i let my frustration build until it becomes unbearable...but dont let that ruin your life...
you did what any sane person would do...you moved on...i should have expected it...thats all. its my fault for thinking that you were different...its my fault for believing i deserved you...
believe me when i say this...i love you...i will ALWAYS love you...nothing can ever change that...nothing. and my love for you is confusing right now...i would do anything to be with you right now...but i want you to be happy, and if that means with someone else, then i can live with that....you deserve your happiness...
Dimitry...i love you...dont ever forget that. if you ever need anything, a friend, or just someone to yell at, or blow off steam, im here for you
still talking …… I’m next
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O.o what would u do, I know what to do, but after she reads it she will have to decide, am love her I’m still by u, I won’t break another heart, unless its mine, but what, my heart is fucken soup now,
I am fucken tired of wring, my head hurts, my ass hurts, I need sleep, forever I need to fall asleep and never wake up, do me a favor, everyone who reads this, find it in your heart not to mention to anyone else that u might have been a part of this, and by doing this, I have messed something up, if I did I’m sorry, for others, see how some fly guys life really sucks?
Beside the point, things were left out,
Things were over said
Doing take this too literary
Its 3:16 AM here, I’m done with this, I’m going to sleep and wake up 2morrow knowing something changed, going to school knowing some peeps wont look at me the same, but oh well, my lazy ass wouldn’t do this unless it was important
Good night, & have a nice day
YO MAMA :D………………oh and if u want pass it on so other peeps can read it, I would appreciate it
STAY UP! party hardy hehehe
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